LOS ANGELES (Whacked Planet) – While restaurants and grocery stores across America are pulling spinach from the shelves in lieu of an E. Coli contamination, friends and family members of the beloved Popeye the Sailorman are asking for the public’s assistance in locating him.
According to friends, Popeye went missing around 4 am Pacific Standard Time after a long night of brawling and consuming large quantities of canned spinach. Given the recent cases of E. Coli infection that have sickened at least 100 people and left a Wisconsin man dead, many are concerned that Popeye may be ill and in desperate need of medical attention.
After initially denying he had seen Popeye the night of his disappearance, long-time adversary Bluto the Sailorman admitted that he and Popeye had engaged in a heated argument over a contested girlfriend. “Our dispute came to blows after he called me a fat ass,” said Bluto in a brief interview with reporters early Tuesday morning.
Bluto insisted that he had nothing to do with Popeye’s disappearance and added that he was praying like everyone else for Popeye’s safe return.
“I managed to beat the sh*t out of the little runt even after he had eaten his spinach. That has me very worried,” added Bluto.
Local authorities were also seeking family friend Wimpy for questioning - though sources familiar with Wimpy acknowledged that the hamburger aficionado often goes into hiding on Tuesdays to escape angry debt collectors.
Although canned spinach is cooked and unlikely to contain enough E. Coli to be of threat, health officials in the area are worried that the sheer number of cans Popeye typically would have injested on any given evening might have placed him at risk of infection.
There have been numerous sightings of Popeye reported but so far none that were credible. “Most call-ins thought they had seen Popeye but what they in fact had seen was just a Popeye’s chicken restaurant sign,” sighed Police detective Robert Halfling.
Local law enforcement authorities, family members, and nostalgic fans alike are asking for any tips or information that could lead them to the location of Popeye the Sailorman and get him any medical attention he may require.
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