Wayne Holsom, the man who unsuccessfully tried hiring an undercover police officer to murder his wife's cat heads to court Wednesday. Prosecutors aren't saying exactly what they plan to charge Holsom with as no actual harm occurred to the cat in question. Holsum's wife for her part is demanding the death penalty for her soon to be ex-husband.
With their constant quarreling and shouting the Holsum's were the second most hated family on their street second only to "the weird Mormons with the basketball hoop." According to neighbors, Wayne Holsum's wife purchased the cat hoping that her husband - who suffers from severe cat dander allergies - would hate the animal and become stupid and angry. Her alleged scheme worked - Mr. Holsum became angry and shortly thereafter became stupid.
In what may be one of the greatest examples of mental deficiency ever, Mr. Holsum asked a neighbor to refer to him any hitmen "specializing in pussy." The neighbor immediately called his wife to ask where she wanted to eat that evening. As an afterthought the neighbor then dialed the police who arranged a phony murder-for-hire deal with Mr. Holsum.
Veteran Police detective Sgt. Dick Worth was eager to recall the undercover operation. "This was the lamest most retarded waste of tax-payer money I have ever had the misfortune of becoming involved with in my entire career. F**k it. I'm retiring."
In a telephone interview Holsum admitted that a hitman was his last choice for disposing of the cat. "I'm not stupid. I knew a hitman would be risky. That's why I first called the animal shelter to see if I could borrow a vicious dog for a while."
But, according to Holsum, the animal shelter had policies in place prohibiting the short term lending of animals.
"After the animal shelter lady called me a pervert and hung up on me, I called a Chinese restaurant but they wouldn't help me get rid of the cat either. They just kept repeating something about a haam ga chan - whatever the hell that is."
"I would have killed the damn cat myself but I can't get near it because of my allergies. That's why I called a hitman," explained Holsum.